I don't wanna be here anymore

Well even after all these years trying to make them like me.

I will never be treated as good as him. Never ever. Since I was an autistic dissappointment. A fat one.

I don't hate myself. And I think I've made some pretty good decisions about my future. I won't kill myself.

It's just not worth it, I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. It just won't happen. I just plain hate this family. Every time I stay here I get so depressed and feel very squeamish. I need to move out. I don't wanna be here anymore. It's killing me.

I'll... I'll think of something

Not something unrealistic like moving out tomorrow. Something a bit more reasonable. Studying to get overseas so I have a good reason to not see them ever again. And then... I can just run away. Cut off all contacts, change my name. Start over and be free. Live the rest of my live in obscurity. I don't really care.

So... as it turns out. That ugly son of a bitch is way more social and it seems to hold up higher to those girls than I possibly will ever be. He speak with such comfort and such success. How does he even achieve that? He's ugly, he should've been condemened and bullied. That doesn't make sense. Then again how does Faqihah get better than possibly Fariesya? It's equal opportunity I suppose. If they respect each other does that mean that they're not really close because they play it safe? Is there no place for me? All of this text is severely broken and  unrelated to each other. So many things is currently wrong...

How odd. Last week I got recognition in class. a free controller, and seemed pretty confident to the others. And then I got scold and treated like an idiot by mom, get to know that my personality isn't really all too good and find out that I'm significantly less useful than I thought I was.

I got hit pretty hard last week.

Okay, so what do I do next? Suicide? Well I don't really want to. I have no idea why, even though it sounded so appealing a few weeks ago. Eventhough I got hit this time I don't really want to commit suicide, oddly enough. Eventhough I'm ridden with ADHD and I keep watching the same videos and avoid facing real problems, I know there's much more to this world, there's lots more way to get money and richer. There's lots more games I can enjoy. There's lots more experience I've yet to experience. I'm 19, I'm still young. Now I can't predict the future, I might change my mind tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight. I do seem to love forgetting important things. But I hope I will remember this text in the future. I hope I can withstand more trials. I hope that I can find my friends.

I don't really like them anymore. I now know that they're used to so much more. I can't really compete with those types of people. It's just too late. I'll have to leave them from this world. I need to detach myself from them, I'm not worthy. I'm not suitable for them. Why didn't I find this out sooner? Let them be happier without me, I'll find my own happiness. Exclusive to me.

As much as I like that future not having them in it, I am grateful that they gave me a chance. But I can't change who they are, let them go. I can't catch up.

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Plus it’s really fucking terrible of me to think that way. Just because they’re  a bit hard on the eyes doesn’t make them less human. If I was to better myself in the fundamental side, may it be useful to also improve myself on the social side? Do I even need improvement? Or do I know already how to act good, it’s just varying qualities of capability. Is being nice worth it? I’ve gone through some tough times being too nice. I hated it.

Though I have to say, my tastes have greatly improved these past few years. I’ve been exposed to more and more mediums, turning more open-minded, not only artificially open-minded.

Come to think of it, I’ve haven’t really been an angel these past few months. And that obviously had a role in damaging my psyche. I have skipped fasting.  I have skipped classes. I have lust over my little sister. I’ve stole. I’ve hit. I’ve been selfish. Though I guess to be fair, I’ve been done the exact same thing by other people. I guess this even things out. So I should next try to better myself. Because I’m not happy with myself just yet. The position I am in… I want to improve it. I want to be more independent from my parents. I want to spend my time better. I want to enjoy life better. I want to find my friends. Though all that will bring it’s own problems, getting bored of great things, being too possessive of my friends, enjoy life a bit too much or in the wrong way… Ah I’ll think about it when I cross that bridge. And I’ll get better and better after every hunch.

 2015, get money and find a psychologist. I need to get all this issues, violence, lust all in check.